And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
