I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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