I just pynch a tree in the face
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
