Little spoons don't ask big questions
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No...this little piggys going to the bar
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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