I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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