if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sext me about skeletons
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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