Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
