arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
