Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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