shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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