I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
