Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
