you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
