it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
