It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight