I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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