even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
