i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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