Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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