take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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