Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
