you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
