I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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