omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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