I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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