apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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