Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
