her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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