he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Shame is for Republicans.
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