She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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