Non-Jews are for practice
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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