new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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