Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
They should really pass out barf bags in church
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
