Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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