I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
