to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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