people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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