I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
