When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
