Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
