please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
