Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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