I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
