It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
