i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
