matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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