if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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