I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
