id be glad to
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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