I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I smell stomach acid.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
