one two three fourrrrnication!
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
