I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
