What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
