my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
