need another drink. this is the easiest way
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
