No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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