apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
