During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
